“Three keys to more abundant living: caring about others, daring for others, sharing with others.”
(picture credit: http://memegenerator.net/instances)
Alright, that was a bit melodramatic. I don't exactly mean that. There are just [many] times that I feel like I'm going through things alone. Whether it be frustrations with my job, my friends, my illness, ignorance, lack of empathy, or lack of being on the same page. I feel like I have not one person that I can be truly candid with, without being judged, criticized, delegitimized, or dismissed. I don't have one person in my life that I can just talk to and it be a vent for me about me. I'm the friend that listens, and believe me, I have friends who like to TALK. I listen. I try and help, give advice when asked, be brutally honest when requested, and console when need consoling.
I had a friend who was dating this guy who was a piece of shit, but she loved him. She didn't see how crappy he was and she just made excuses and excuses. Of course, when asked what I thought I was gently honest (to a point) and then brutally honest because I cared. When she came crying to my house after midnight because her guy walked out of her apartment mid fight, I knew there was nothing I could say or do that could make the pain go away. At a time like that, all a friend needs is a hug, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Someone to make THEM feel better. Even though I hated the guy, I understood she loved him. I was NO ONE to sit there and tell her she was WRONG even if I didn't agree with how she may have handled certain things.
No one person is exactly alike.
The same way no case of lupus is exactly alike.
I read this profile on lupusvoices.org and it really hit me at my core. It prompted this whole freak out, so to speak:
"Lupus symptoms are all over the place. Depression is a symptom, not a side effect. If you know someone with lupus closely, do your research. Be empathetic and understanding. Be an ear when they need it. Lupus can be minor one minute and have you in the hospital the next."
This brings me to the point of this post. This long awaited post after my hiatus of working like a work horse and dealing with my not so exciting lupus/life events. As I've mentioned earlier in this post, I really believe that I have not ONE person that I can be candid about EVERY single thing. Maybe that's a good thing? My mother always told me to have my own secrets. Don't let anyone all the way in. I love my mother, but I don't function that way. Considering that I am the only one in my family with this condition (in at least my immediate family that I know of), I feel like I'm a little bit "different" than the rest. I haven't been through the normal high school or college experience. (And yes, yes, yes, I know that, as I've said in past posts, that I don't have it THAT bad....but the point of this post is to show that no matter how small a condition is, a condition is still a condition). I've always been a sentimental person, emotionally involved and connected to things I probably shouldn't care too much about. My heart melts at the sight of a homeless person, no matter if they are on the street because of drugs or because of a loss. I'm constantly finding ways to try and help organizations or people directly when I have the time. Hell, I've even befriended my ex-con and homeless neighbors who smoke pot and are drunk 99.9% of the time when they got sick and bought them some cough drops and cold medicine, because I know that if I needed help in my town, they would kill someone for me. Granted, they are a little crazy...maybe I am too.
But the fact of the matter is I care. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I sweat the small stuff. Maybe I'm just too ridiculous for my own good. I know this because I can't stay mad at anyone too long. I care about when I upset someone (if I care about them). I care about peoples feelings. But, I am not a push over by any means. I do stand up when I need to (even if it looks like I'm sitting). I know how to say no. I am actually that friend that my group of friends relies on to actually put someone in their place, because they don't like being the bad guy or confrontational. I do it not because they tell me to, but because it's in my character and I care. Not because I'm mean and like to be a bitch, because I'd want someone to be honest and real with me.
I'm sharing all of this because I feel like I don't have anyone there to do these things for me. To care enough about me and get to know ME. Yea, sure, I'm outgoing. I'm rambunctious. I'm lively. Hell, I don't look sick. I know this. I generally don't create a cause of concern. I don't expect every person who meets me to sit down and listen to my life story and have a 100% understanding of what I've been through. That is just ridiculous. But what I do expect is for the people that I've invested time, sacrificed places for them to stay for extended periods of time, sacrificed my time and energy on, said I love you to and meant it to give at least a tiny shit about me and what I've been through. I think that's fair, no?
I'm willing to bet $100 that if I asked my best friends, boyfriend or close family members, "What is Lupus?", they would have no idea how to answer that properly. And I'd be a couple hundred bucks richer. Hell, I've even made this blog to chronicle my last bout of Lupus. I've made it SO EASY.
That really kind of hurts my heart.
And the more I think about it and leave this post open and unpublished, I bet that I will have friends who will read this and totally agree with me. Funny thing is that I'm talking to them and about them.
That's kind of funny, ironic and, still, heartbreaking.
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