"It's my world, it's not ours anymore"

Exciting news! I have internet at chemo! Woooo! 

(It's the little things that make me smile...)

Now I can be completely distracted and have the time pass me by rather quickly. As I sit here quietly being pumped with fluids and chemicals, I observe all the other patients. I also realize how powerful a simple smile is. A smile can completely change someone's mood, moment or entire day. I always try and remember to smile at people on the street or when I address them. To some, that may be creepy...imagine a tiny girl, wide eyed and grinning at you. I like to think it's a nice gesture. I smile at the patients as they walk back and forth or sit in their reclining chair. Seeing them in the state that they are in and getting through it makes me appreciate my life a little bit more. I know I complain and whine about things that are mostly out of my control and can't really be changed...and even things I can change but don't...

While I was waiting for the 'T' this morning, I was saddened a bit by the thought that I've never really had anyone (except for my mother) come with me to chemo to keep me company. I understand that it's a LONG process and not very entertaining, but I see all these other people come with friends and significant others and they stay for the whole treatment. That makes me happy for them, but sad for me. I also understand that chemo falls on weekdays and some people who would come with me (or at least I hope would) work. I also know that I have friends who ask me to do them favors and accompany them and all that other bullcockle and rarely would sacrifice 5 minutes to selflessly accompany me. It's upsetting, but at the same time it's almost empowering (in an odd way). I think: "I'm really going through this alone and making it through all by myself because I am so badass and strong and awesome." At least that's what I try and tell myself. Sometimes.

So, I'm totally stalling as I write this entry. I'm just so enthralled with the luxury of having the internet while I'm here. It's as if I've never been on the internet before, haha. 

This is kind of funny: my doctor is trying to help me find a job. He literally just called the chemo clinic to verify my major. Random, but oh so sweet. Speaking of jobs, the development position I applied for had me interview twice. Hopefully it is in my cards to get this job. I need a job terribly. While having income is nice, I just need to have a freaking purpose. I am driving myself crazy doing nothing with my days. I feel like I am going insane. Having that much time on my hands also leaves room for me to do stupid things like: fly forward off my bike on Harvard Ave, fall down my apartment stairs, bake random assortments of cakes and burn myself in the process, try and make fried chicken and get a grease burn on my neck and arm instead, etc.  I pretty much fail at being a properly functioning human being because I have no actual guidance. Alright, I jest. I'm just ridiculously clumsy and it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm unemployed.

I am going to end this entry before it becomes a stream of consciousness diatribe of nothingness because I have 5 hours to kill sitting here being pumped with Cytoxan and other goodies.