Doused

(photo from gettyimages)

So, I got discharged. (Woo!) Then a small creature decided to try and eat my insides and sent me back to the hospital the next day. Basicamente (just the way my mom says it makes me laugh...it's "basically" in Spanish), I wasn't quite healthy enough to be released. I mean, my kidney function was stable (note: stable, not good--just unchanging) and I could have been seen in an outpatient capacity. I was to go to chemotherapy the following day and follow up with my doctors very closely and often. I felt like crap when I went home, but any option to get out of prison/hospital was something I would jump on quickly. 


I went to chemo, was miserable through it (I've gained about 25 lbs in water retention from all of this...and counting, when you're little in stature it's hard to hold weight you aren't used to) then basically crawled into a little ball when I finally got home and starting being eaten alive. I couldn't take it. It was by far one of the most painful experiences I've ever, well, experienced. I honestly thought about child bearing...and thought, "If I could get through this, I will be able to get through natural childbirth. I'm sure of it." Not sure why that was one of my initial thoughts. but. it. was.

My mom was flying up that morning so I just let her know to meet me at the ER, because I was taking a one-way ticket there. I couldn't handle the pain. I won't go into details. Believe me, you want me to spare you. I was a hott mess all over that ER and in my room. Think Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but...gross...bile...I won't get any more specific. They gave me two huge hits of morphine for the pain. That made me sicker. They were all prepared to give me more. I was like "NO." I did get this other drug. A narcotic. The most magical thing I've EVER taken. (NOTE: I AM NOT CONDONING NARCOTICS USE. I just understand why people WOULD enjoy it. ADDICTION TO DRUGS IS NOT A PRETTY THING.) That was the first time I've EVER slept well in the hospital, like a baby.


So long story longer, I'm still in the hospital. They are working hard on helping me lose all the water retention because it is a sign of acute kidney failure and it's just not good to have all this extra weight and water in your body. I will still do chemo, but it will probably actually affect me this time around because my kidneys this time around are in worst shape than last time. Dialysis is still in talks and my family is starting to talk about transplants. So weird. All of this makes me really nervous about finishing school and what I'm going to do when I graduate. I really don't want to move back to Florida. 


I still want my own life, but I'm afraid I can't do this on my own.