I find myself in an odd spot...
both physically and mentally.
It's been a while since I've turned to this form of therapy (or venting or whatever you want to call it). The last time I wrote, I made empty promises of lengthy updates, continuity, and "woooo I'm back!" But, let's be serious. I'm a lazy personal communicator, let alone blogger. I'm that friend that says, "Let's keep in touch!" I try for about a month (if you're lucky) and if reciprocation isn't met, I fall off the face of the earth. In my mind it's "Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat!"
I find myself sitting around (because I have so much time on my hands as of late) validating my friendships. Telling myself that, "we've grown up," "people grow apart," "nothing stays the same," "we change,"and "don't expect the world to revolve around you" among other things. But then I sit here and think about how I really don't think these things. How I truly don't believe things revolve around me and how I am more than willing to take the shirt off my back for someone, how I'm willing to sit down and really think about how I can help someone, how to (sometimes) rearrange my schedule for someone, or how important the relationships I value are. I also realize very few people would do those things for me unless I asked. I think THAT is the root of my discomfort. It feels like I have to ask my friends to be my friends. In that case, are they really my friends? That's around when I fall off the face of the earth. Gosh, this feels like a perpetual battle I've gone through since middle school. Maybe the problem really is me. So, now you've had a peek inside my relentless mind.
Sidenote: I've just re-read what I've written above and feel like I just contradicted myself.
Point of clarification: I only (kind of) write somebody off if it's a person who really ins't even TRYING to communicate with me and we have a very superficial relationship. (in this context, superficial meaning near the surface or not substantiated. I hope this makes sense) The frustrations I have with my friends are with people who have formed relationships with me and have tried at some point in the relationship. Or at least it seemed like they tried.
Now to why I'm REALLY writing this post...
Over the last few weeks, I've gotten some heavy news about my health. About my kidneys, specifically. I've also been asked countless times by my new co-workers: "How do you do it all by yourself?" "How did you take yourself to chemo for so many treatments and sit there by yourself with no company?" "How can you sit here and talk about your drastic kidney disease and still have a vibrant smile on your face?" "How are you SO ok?" My answer: I have to be. No one else has really been or will be those things for me. Maybe it's because their personal lives get in the way. Maybe because we are all just really selfish creature. Maybe because deep down they could really care less. All those questions got me thinking. Thinking about my decade long experience with my ever-changing condition. The condition that is a mystery and shows no signs of weakness until I am at my worst. The condition that isn't a cause for worry until I'm in a hospital. The condition that very few people care to whole heartedly ask me about and educate themselves on. The condition that people ask because they feel they have to but don't really listen when I respond honestly because they give me the most vanilla and run of the mill responses or they ask the same questions all the time because they didn't bother listen the first time around.
And the bottom line of all of this is
this makes me sad
this makes me mad
this makes me lonely
this makes me a little bit stronger, maybe
I should probably go and socialize with my boyfriend. I've been cooped up in my bedroom stressing over this blog post and my thoughts. Then I have that moment where I remind myself that I have a stress induced illness and think to myself, "I just can't win, can I?"
Oh yea, the real reason for this post, I'm in the process of getting a kidney transplant.
It's been a while since I've turned to this form of therapy (or venting or whatever you want to call it). The last time I wrote, I made empty promises of lengthy updates, continuity, and "woooo I'm back!" But, let's be serious. I'm a lazy personal communicator, let alone blogger. I'm that friend that says, "Let's keep in touch!" I try for about a month (if you're lucky) and if reciprocation isn't met, I fall off the face of the earth. In my mind it's "Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat!"
I find myself sitting around (because I have so much time on my hands as of late) validating my friendships. Telling myself that, "we've grown up," "people grow apart," "nothing stays the same," "we change,"and "don't expect the world to revolve around you" among other things. But then I sit here and think about how I really don't think these things. How I truly don't believe things revolve around me and how I am more than willing to take the shirt off my back for someone, how I'm willing to sit down and really think about how I can help someone, how to (sometimes) rearrange my schedule for someone, or how important the relationships I value are. I also realize very few people would do those things for me unless I asked. I think THAT is the root of my discomfort. It feels like I have to ask my friends to be my friends. In that case, are they really my friends? That's around when I fall off the face of the earth. Gosh, this feels like a perpetual battle I've gone through since middle school. Maybe the problem really is me. So, now you've had a peek inside my relentless mind.
Sidenote: I've just re-read what I've written above and feel like I just contradicted myself.
Point of clarification: I only (kind of) write somebody off if it's a person who really ins't even TRYING to communicate with me and we have a very superficial relationship. (in this context, superficial meaning near the surface or not substantiated. I hope this makes sense) The frustrations I have with my friends are with people who have formed relationships with me and have tried at some point in the relationship. Or at least it seemed like they tried.
Now to why I'm REALLY writing this post...
Over the last few weeks, I've gotten some heavy news about my health. About my kidneys, specifically. I've also been asked countless times by my new co-workers: "How do you do it all by yourself?" "How did you take yourself to chemo for so many treatments and sit there by yourself with no company?" "How can you sit here and talk about your drastic kidney disease and still have a vibrant smile on your face?" "How are you SO ok?" My answer: I have to be. No one else has really been or will be those things for me. Maybe it's because their personal lives get in the way. Maybe because we are all just really selfish creature. Maybe because deep down they could really care less. All those questions got me thinking. Thinking about my decade long experience with my ever-changing condition. The condition that is a mystery and shows no signs of weakness until I am at my worst. The condition that isn't a cause for worry until I'm in a hospital. The condition that very few people care to whole heartedly ask me about and educate themselves on. The condition that people ask because they feel they have to but don't really listen when I respond honestly because they give me the most vanilla and run of the mill responses or they ask the same questions all the time because they didn't bother listen the first time around.
And the bottom line of all of this is
this makes me sad
this makes me mad
this makes me lonely
this makes me a little bit stronger, maybe
I should probably go and socialize with my boyfriend. I've been cooped up in my bedroom stressing over this blog post and my thoughts. Then I have that moment where I remind myself that I have a stress induced illness and think to myself, "I just can't win, can I?"
Oh yea, the real reason for this post, I'm in the process of getting a kidney transplant.
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