I need you now

Last night was SO worth it.
Sitting on my bed in my cold Nashua, New Hampshire apartment revisiting my old friend, you, this blog.

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.”

― Graham Greene, Ways Of Escape

With that said, today has been a heavy day that has brought on the following thoughts...

I know you try. At least I hope you try. I’m pretty sure this is you trying to be empathetic. You've told me time and time again that you’re not very good at being that way and really connecting with a person on an emotional level. I also understand that this is fairly common among people. There are just some people in this world that aren't good with dealing with heavy, emotional shit. But right now, I need someone to lean on. Today has been a heavy day. This is all becoming real. For once, I can’t do this by myself. I actually need you there, both physically and emotionally.

None of this makes me love you less. Sometimes I just need someone that I can be vulnerable with and cry, especially at a time like this and not have you fumble with your arms or walk away because you don’t know how to handle someone crying. I've gone through most of this by myself. I've gone through almost a decade of this BY. MY. SELF. I've cried to myself. I've talked to myself. I've even hugged myself. There were rarely people there who sought me out and want to be there and those things for me.

The funny thing is that I've always been so overly independent. I've always figured out everything on my own; Used all my resources in order to find answers for myself. No one has ever done that Google search because I was too sick or feeling too awful to try and learn something new. Shit, half of my friends or people in my life have to be ASKED to educate themselves about my condition. No one does this on their own. No one WANTS to know what is going on. Believe it or not, sick people get SICK and TIRED of repeating the same shit to doctors and nurses and medical students. Imagine the people who are supposed to inherently care about you. I have to do the work there too? Enough is enough is enough is enough.

I’m really scared and feel so alone in this new journey. I don’t have that collection of people who are there and you see in the movies or with other people. Who would visit. Who would take time out of their busy lives and inquire. I don’t really have any of that. Someone that is willing to go the extra mile to make sure I am okay. At least no one here. The people that would are so far away and I’m not ridiculous enough to have those kinds of expectations. Then again, maybe over all I’m just ridiculous. Who knows? I just know that I feel awful right now. Anyone who knows anything about how I feel has been told by me, because I called, texted, or messaged; not because they cared to know on their own accord.

Maybe I should blame Facebook or Social Media. I’m not the type of person to post my every waking thought, action, and feeling on Facebook. Facebook isn't how to communicate with friends. It’s a boastful collection of “this is what I did this weekend” “look how fun my life is” “Awwww, I want attention and likes so I’m going to post something that gets reactions out of people.” Ask any of my “so-called-Facebook-friends,” how many times have I gone through failure? What is lupus? Do I have lupus? Who am i? Maybe 5 of my 542 friends may know SOME of the answers to that question. But do they know what is happening right now? These are people who have seen me go through my FIRST major flare, my FIRST kidney failure, and my ups and downs until now. Do they call and ask? When I am silent for an extended period of time, do they ask to know if I am okay? If I’m even fucking alive?

They’re all shallow. All of those people. If they ever read any of this and get all huffy and puffy and mad, that’s on you. I've tried to vocalize these things. None of this is new news. If you ever read my blog or knew how I've felt, I've talked about this TIME AND TIME AGAIN. I’m not sorry I feel this way. I’m also not sorry that you don’t have the balls to talk to me about this, but instead will just decide to ignore it until it goes away. Fine. Do that. It’s no surprise to me, since I've already grown used to doing this all by myself.

I really needed to get that out. Mostly, because I need someone I can depend on right now. This is probably one of the biggest things to happen in my life thus far. I know I’m strong, I know I've held all of this on my own, but now I need someone. I should be allowed to cry and break down, without feeling like I need to wipe my face and put on a mask to keep on going because no one asks.

I’m so mad right now. So mad that it makes me sad.