There's no need to complicate, our time is short
I would have updated sooner but my life has been so uneventful after graduation. I've just dealt with trying to find a job, live comfortably in Boston and, more recently, figure out what I want out of my relationships/friendships with people. In reality, most of these things I've dealt with have gone on in my little neurotic brain and are not really worth divulging.
Not to get too personal (as I don't like to dish private matters), but I need to get something off of my chesticles. Before I begin my rant, I have to mention that when I use the word "need" it is relative. It isn't do or die. It isn't life or death. It isn't anything I can't get over. I guess for the purposes of this rant you could look at "need" as "want".
"Why don't you just say want then?" you ask.
My answer: for dramatic effect.
In an effort to not dish out or sell out anyone, names won't be used. I just want this opportunity to reiterate what it is that I've already said or have been too chicken shit (for whatever reason) to say. I just want to say that after being through what I've been through (in all aspects of my life, especially recently) what I need right now is someone that is there and gives a damn. For the last two years I was involved in something that had me pulling teeth to get an ounce of affection or consideration (be it physical or emotional). This time around when I am not tied down to anything, like an idiot, I still find myself interested in a person who doesn't want or have the will power to care. WHY CAN'T I FIND A NICE GUY WHO ISN'T DAMAGED?! Holy Christicles. I'm screwed up enough for the both of us.
I get that we all have issues and a past and baggage. blah blah blah. I get it. I just don't want to get in too deep without properly weighing the repercussions. And knowing someone biblically has repercussions, no matter who you are.
It just seems like the timing is so off. Roles have been switched. I'm not saying that I'm attached or whatever, but right now in the particular position that I am in...I have the ability, the peace of mind and the opportunity to become comfortable enough with someone. A friend is a friend. Anything beyond that, I don't do unless it will develop into something. It's like I want to be able to feel good about things without having someone breathe down my throat. I feel freer to do what I want and feel how I want. I'm not saying I need a relationship or commitment now, but don't become affectionate or intimate and expect me to pass it off as nothing. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
After all I've been through I look at every moment as if my time is limited (morbid, I know). I just never know when I'm going to end up in the hospital again or something new will develop. Most of my life has been a series of unfortunate events that have planted me where I'm at. I like to think I acclimate well and go with the flow...but for once I want to be able to have a better handle on what happens. Death, illness, finances have dictated my entire life. I've had to pick up the pieces of my life several times and start over. I want to enjoy people who enjoy me and are willing to accept and cherish everything I'm willing to give. If they can't do the same for me in return, I'd rather not waste my time. I have a big heart and a lot to give. I'm vulnerable and emotional. Maybe it is a flaw, but I can't always remove myself from everything. I am passionate and invest a piece of myself in anything everything I care about (be it people, jobs, hobbies, etc.).
Not to get too personal (as I don't like to dish private matters), but I need to get something off of my chesticles. Before I begin my rant, I have to mention that when I use the word "need" it is relative. It isn't do or die. It isn't life or death. It isn't anything I can't get over. I guess for the purposes of this rant you could look at "need" as "want".
"Why don't you just say want then?" you ask.
My answer: for dramatic effect.
In an effort to not dish out or sell out anyone, names won't be used. I just want this opportunity to reiterate what it is that I've already said or have been too chicken shit (for whatever reason) to say. I just want to say that after being through what I've been through (in all aspects of my life, especially recently) what I need right now is someone that is there and gives a damn. For the last two years I was involved in something that had me pulling teeth to get an ounce of affection or consideration (be it physical or emotional). This time around when I am not tied down to anything, like an idiot, I still find myself interested in a person who doesn't want or have the will power to care. WHY CAN'T I FIND A NICE GUY WHO ISN'T DAMAGED?! Holy Christicles. I'm screwed up enough for the both of us.
I get that we all have issues and a past and baggage. blah blah blah. I get it. I just don't want to get in too deep without properly weighing the repercussions. And knowing someone biblically has repercussions, no matter who you are.
It just seems like the timing is so off. Roles have been switched. I'm not saying that I'm attached or whatever, but right now in the particular position that I am in...I have the ability, the peace of mind and the opportunity to become comfortable enough with someone. A friend is a friend. Anything beyond that, I don't do unless it will develop into something. It's like I want to be able to feel good about things without having someone breathe down my throat. I feel freer to do what I want and feel how I want. I'm not saying I need a relationship or commitment now, but don't become affectionate or intimate and expect me to pass it off as nothing. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
After all I've been through I look at every moment as if my time is limited (morbid, I know). I just never know when I'm going to end up in the hospital again or something new will develop. Most of my life has been a series of unfortunate events that have planted me where I'm at. I like to think I acclimate well and go with the flow...but for once I want to be able to have a better handle on what happens. Death, illness, finances have dictated my entire life. I've had to pick up the pieces of my life several times and start over. I want to enjoy people who enjoy me and are willing to accept and cherish everything I'm willing to give. If they can't do the same for me in return, I'd rather not waste my time. I have a big heart and a lot to give. I'm vulnerable and emotional. Maybe it is a flaw, but I can't always remove myself from everything. I am passionate and invest a piece of myself in anything everything I care about (be it people, jobs, hobbies, etc.).
Comments
Post a Comment