Talk into my good ear

I am a terrible, terrible person.


I have neglected you. And for that, I apologize.


Now for an updaaaate...


My creatinine levels have improved! I feel like an idiot writing about that, because I'm not really sure what that means. All I do know is that's a good thing. I'm not sure if it's my BUN creatinine or my urinary creatinine or if there is a difference. Believe me, I've googled it. I don't really have a full understanding of it. I need to consult with my doctors and learn more about it.


So, the plan is to move back to Florida after I graduate. I'm not too thrilled about this. I do know that it's probably what's best. I want to believe I am fine on my own, but I will never hear the end of it from my mother. The more I think about it, my doctors put urgency on my illness and where I am at, but they don't seem very worried about me "needing to be with my mother." I know I'm young, but I'm not incapable of taking care of myself. I know treatments will be tough (believe me...I've been through them before). My mom has only ever been to chemotherapy with me twice in the two years I did chemo. That wasn't a jab at her being a bad mother--it just shows that...I can do this by myself. There will be days I "want to go home." There will be days that I "just want to escape" and "be catered to." I just don't think it's the lifestyle I want to live every day. I feel like we all fall into that rut. It doesn't mean that it's what is BEST. We all need a sense of escape and sometimes we say things just to say things because it's how we feel then and there. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid to tell my mother much of how I feel about this whole thing because, yes, sometimes I say I want to go back to Florida and then I change my mind. I know changing my mind doesn't make things "easy" but, the more I think about it, there is a reason I left to Boston and barely go back to Florida during breaks. I am happier, healthier and saner on my own. I like to think I do well on my own. I don't like feeling trapped and at home that's how I've always felt. I feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forward. While I know that moving back home will be easier financially and I will have the immediate support from my family, we really do butt heads that much, to the point that it stresses me out more than anything else in my life. Anything. That is not an exaggeration.


I have stresses on my own, yes. But it is almost a comforting stress, stress that I know I can control and that I create (ie: work, school, responsibilities I put on myself). At home, there are stresses created by other unchanging people. Stresses that will remain the same because people are stuck in their ways--rightfully so. I'm at the point in my life where I can finally CHOOSE to be in that environment. I feel like I'm being conned to choose that environment to appease everyone else. I know some of you readers may think, "stop complaining and just make your own decision!" It's not that easy. Despite what some may think, I really care about what my mother thinks and how she feels. I've worked really hard not to be a burden on her. I've done my best to be able to handle things on my own because she's had to handle so much. So hearing her say, "come home," makes me feel like I need to so I don't worry her and get bombarded with phone calls every day.


I really am the kind of person that likes to be left alone. I'm social when I'm social, but I really do need time to myself more often than not.


Whoa, this turned into a lengthy diatribe. For that, I apologize. Just the thoughts of a college-aged lupus lady.


Anyone else have a hard time going through life transitions when their illness takes a turn for the worst? I'd like to hear your stories. I'd like to hear what keeps YOU up at night.
Sharing is caring. I don't mind lending a open ear. Just talk into my left ear. "Scarlett Fever"

(sorry, I needed to make a Glee reference)